If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can
is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on
the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it..
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: A new beer of the market who a lot of people have
taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in
them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,
so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant
for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode,
or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
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