Employer and Applicant Talk

EMPLOYER TALK

• "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
• "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
• "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
• "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
• "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
• "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
• "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
• "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
• "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
• "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
• "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
• "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
• "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
• "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
• "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
• "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
• "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
• "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
• "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
• "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
• "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.

Applicant Speak

• "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
• "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
• "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
• "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
• "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
• "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
• "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
• "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
• "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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